Frank Drebin Strikes Again

Highlight of last nights Jazz game: One of the members of “Air Supply” sang the National Anthem and he SLAUGHTERED it. I don’t just mean that he sang it poorly. I mean that, even though he had the lyrics written on his hand or on a card (couldn't tell) he still managed to: 1) fumble all over words. 2) Just swap out words with new words and 3) had to start over at one point.It was awesome, yet painfully embarassing for all involved. I wanted to die a little bit, but couldn't stop giggling.

Where is Maurice Cheeks when you need him?

Oh, and the Jazz won!

I heart basketball

Playoff season is here, and I have watched more games than I care to admit. I’ve already had it with Barkley (aka Windbag) and I can’t wait for him to just go away. So, this has given me some time to become a little sentimental and think about why I am so rabid about basketball. I know my family always watched basketball, but I don’t it really caught on to me until I was 15 or 16.

My brother came home from his mission on the same day as a playoff game here in the Delta Center. Naturally, we were glad he was home. My 2 brother’s missions had overlapped by 4 or 5 months, and we hadn’t all been together in almost 4 years. That night, we got to the game embarrassingly early, as my parent’s seem to still like to do, so they could “enjoy the atmosphere”. Well, for this evening the “atmosphere” included my very own humiliation. They had some stage set up, and music playing, and the next thing I knew, some giant purple dinosaur had grabbed my hands and pulled me up on this stage with him and was attempting every mascot trick he knew to make me dance with him. I was mortified. Some would call this assault. My parents called it the funniest thing they have ever seen and enjoyed. They loved it so much, and their cheering and grinning from ear to ear only added to my humiliation. All teenage disgruntled behavior aside, I loved it too. I saw my two parents’, who had had more than their share of problems for the years preceding, and they were having so much fun. That night, we all had fun. I don’t remember who we played, or if we even won….but I remember being so happy. Was it naive of me to believe that one night of basketball can take away real world problems and make you happy? Probably…but I still see it that way. I still see my parent’s, who still get just as excited to go to games, as they did when I was a kid. It is the one thing they do together, that they truly enjoy – besides watch “American Idol”.

Hopefully, ten years from tonight I won’t remember that the Rockets most likely killed us out of this series…I will remember the fun season Matt and I have had with our season tickets. And I am glad my family will be there tonight as well. In fact, my parent’s will probably be one of the first people there. Tonight though, if any purple dinosaur or any creepy mascot like thing comes near me…I am not suffering any more “mascot assault” just to put a smile on my families face. They are on their own.

case closed part II

I am pleased to announce that the orange extension cord has been gone for a few days now. (Coincidentally, the same day I left for work and saw three Murray City Power trucks parked not far from my apartment.) Related? Not sure, don't care. (Okay! Maybe I care a little bit still!) And, when I came home from the gym last night, I could see florescent lights coming from inside, but no other "regular" lights. Perhaps the "special plant:" growing theory isn't that far off.

case closed

Tonight I went with my friend to see Disturbia. For some reason, we thought it was a good idea, for two people, who both live alone, to go see this movie. We survived, it was suspenseful and creepy, but I think I will sleep okay tonight. However, I learned a valuable lesson about spying on my neighbors and I highly recommend that my mother go see it right away. So, in an attempt to not find myself killed, I have the following to say to my neighbor:

Dear Pirate Neighbor,

I am aware that you have either been stealing my electricity, or using the outdoor outlet that costs me nothing for some strange and unidentified reason. I realize this. I used to be concerned. I want you to know that I do not care what you are doing, why, or who else is involved. Please continue to take electricity...take all you need. If you would like, you may plug more orange extension cords right from my apt. In fact, I have one that is available close to the front door that you are welcome to. It is one of those that the light switch needs to be turned on for them to work. I will leave that switch on, so as to never inconvenience you. I don't even need to know why your minivan only has front seats....doesn't even bother me. I haven't even thought about it in weeks. Feel free to continue to be as creepy and elusive as you feel you need to be, and I will continue to look the other way and be oblivious to the fact that you may have caused a 4 hour power outage a few weeks back. When I walk by, I will no longer take stock as to what is on your balcony, and ponder on the fact that I have NEVER seen a light on in your apt. Your business is just that - your business.

Thanks for being my neighbor, and I hope that we can continue this relationship of complete ignorance for years to come.

~Your anonymous neighbor and friend.

Why God invented Gameboys

So, last night I was just settling in to watch the NCAA Championship game when I heard my neighbor leaving…Vincent always runs to the door when he is out there, I believe that he is now as fascinated as I am. About 2 minutes after he left, the power went out. Of course, I instantly blamed him. I waited about 5 minutes, and then decided to head out to investigate. I determined that it was only two buildings that I could see that were without power…which further supports the idea that “The Pirate” had finally blown something in there. Long story short: it came on twice for a few minutes before it returned for good at 11:05. When it went off after each short interval, it literally went off with a “bang”. There was a loud popping sound that scared the hell out of me each time. The box that the power guys were working on was right beneath my balcony. I asked them what the loud sound was and they said, “That’s just us blowing fuses”. Ok. Fine, I guess. I wanted to have them come check the neighbor’s electricity setup…but never dared.

The real tragedy of the night = 4 hours of no “cooked” dinner, TV, Wow or even reading. Yes, I know I can read by candlelight…but the book I am reading now is scary and that is the last thing you want to be reading when your power is out. I could have left at any point in the night…but I was convinced that they were going to somehow trace the whole problem back to my neighbor…and I wanted to be there when they did. I found a good substitute for TV to be staring out your window while eating chex mix. Almost didn’t even notice anything was different until it got dark. Then, I once again discovered the beautiful majesty of the Gameboy. What would I be without that gameboy? Tetris, Dr. Mario, Risk and Mappy…they got me through the long, long night. Meanwhile, it appears my neighbor may have gotten away with it this time…

the facts about electricity

The orange extension cord investigation is still going on. I am even more confused now then I was when this began. I noticed that his minivan has nothing but front seats…I thought that might be strange. The thing is, now, no matter how nice the “Pirate” is; I am going to be creeped out.

Here are the facts that I know:

1. The orange extension cord comes and goes. It appears that when he is home, it is plugged in. When he is not home, it is missing.
2. Last night after dark, while the cord was plugged in, I saw no obvious lights through the window, and could hear no sounds from a TV. I will point out, that for the almost year I have lived next to this guy, I don’t think I have ever heard a TV.
3. There are 10 electrical outlets in the apartments. That is 20 items that can be plugged in…and more should you so desire to use extension cords.
4. I have never actually seen, or heard the neighbor plugging in this extension cord…I can only point out that it goes under his door.

cause for concern?

My mother is that snoopy neighbor that every neighborhood has. She knows the comings and goings of all her neighbors, and will point out if a “strange” car has been parked for longer than she believes it should. She notices who comes home at 3:00am, and she is not afraid to mention it to the homeowner. As far as I can remember back, she has always been this way. I have tried my hardest not to become that person…and I feel like I have done okay. Living in an apartment complex is a “snoopy neighbor’s” dream. I may need my mom’s help with the next door neighbor.

I call him “the Pirate”. He is a very nice man, obviously, looks like a pirate. He has quite a bit of stuff on his balcony, and spends a lot of time “working” on his minivan in the parking lot. I believe he lives alone, but am not sure…he is actually very, very quiet. I only hear him when he comes home late at night, about the time I am settling in to watch COPS. My neighbor downstairs has filled me in on what she knows about him. She sad he works with his Mom and that he works at night and sleeps in the day. She also mentioned that he is really into crafts. Which explains the toll painted signs on his door, and wooden birdhouse arrangements next to his door.

He and I live at the top of the stairs, and we are the only two apartments there. He has to walk past my door, to get to his. This morning I noticed that he had plugged a big orange extension cord into the outdoor plug right by my front door. The cable then ran under my doormat, between our apartments and then right into his apartment with the door shut over it. I stared for several minutes trying to figure out what the hell could be going on. I went back into mine to count outlets. There are plenty in there. Here are the questions I know have:

• How many appliances could he have plugged in, that he can’t possibly use one of his own outlets?
• What could be so important to plug in that he has to run an extension cord outside?
• How dangerous would it be if I went ahead and unplugged it tonight when I get home?
• Am I paying for this electricity he is using?
• Should I be concerned?
• Where is my mom when I need her most?

Cops is the old Reno 911

Just when you think your TV watching habits could not become any more embarrassing than they already are.... I have now had to face a new TV addiction that I can’t explain or understand. Last night, about 12:45, it occurred to me that I was unable to fall asleep until I had watched the 12:30 RE-RUN OF COPS!!!

For the last 3 weeks I have been staying up most nights to watch, but it wasn’t until last night that I realized my day was not complete without it. What has happened in my life that I am unable to fall asleep without 30 minutes of bad hair, tank tops and crazy people from the early ‘90’s?

So, after I realized I had a problem last night, I tried to analyze just what it was about the show that was so good. It could be the time of night, but the episodes are so incredibly funny. I don’t remember watching them in the early ‘90’s and laughing as hard as I do now. In fact, I think they may have scared me a little bit. I didn’t see that kind of crime on the “hard streets” of Bountiful. All I can figure is that my love for Reno 911 made this change. After a few episodes of COPS, you realize that although the cops themselves are crazy exaggerated, the actual suspects and arrests are not. I mean, I have never seen a giant milkshake on COPS, but there is some REALLY GOOD material in there. How is this show not on more?!

Highlights of the episodes I have watched:

• An old lady with a baseball bat going after two men that are trying to get her son. Wow. Not one of these three individuals was making any sense.
• A man set fire to his friend’s garage while working on his car. It sounds innocent enough, but the man then went into some sort of a freak out, that made mine nervous breakdown on Friday look like nothing! He hit his head against a lawn chair over and over while saying “asinine” repeatedly.
• Some guy had been cut really bad in the hand in a fight, but was actually not in trouble himself, would not let the paramedics help him. He ran around and fought them with blood going everywhere. They finally cuffed him and shoved him in the stretcher…I swear, it took about 5 guys.
• They found a house they called a “huffing house” that had over 30 paint cans, paint thinner…etc…laying around. There was a guy face down on the floor and the cops couldn’t take the smell. One day, I believe they will find me in a pile of dry erase markers….
• This was perhaps my favorite…there was a naked woman that they wanted her to put her clothes on, but she wouldn’t go get them from the other room. Some cop came across the room with her bra on the end of his night stick…and he was still holding it out like he could have gotten a disease. I was still laughing about that the next day.

So there, now everyone knows why I am so tired at work all day. I must stop this madness and go to bed like a normal person. I also must go see the Reno 911 movie.

finally....

It took me more than awhile to get around to discussing my vacation. Although there are many highlights including Midnight Chocolate Buffet's, falling asleep during a comedian, and trudging through pouring rain to see the Panda's. All in all, it was good times.

Before:









After:

My two favorite things

Thank you to the makers of Dayquil and Cherry KitKats for getting me through this day.

And why can't you make the Cherry KitKats year round? Why only at Valentines Day?

What about DayQuil flavored KitKats? I could get behind that product.

why i hate crispy creme donuts...

Today at work, one of my co-workers had an unfortunate lunch time run-in with a person she had been seeing, but he had mysteriously disappeared. It was traumatic for her…and probably one of the more painful run-in’s of its type. Although I can admit I have been lucky enough to avoid a mess like this, it did get me thinking about those inevitable moments of our lives where we run into someone we would much rather go the rest of our lives never seeing again.

I was attending my classes at the U and had been “involved” with this guy that was in one of my classes. Semester had ended, which incidentally coincided with our “involvement” ending, and I was taking new classes and hadn’t had to see him for some time. I was in a class on World Poverty, and for some reason, we thought that since it was a pretty small class, and in the evening, we would take turns bringing treats to class. So, as we talked about how many people in the world survive off of less than $1.00 a day, we nibbled on all assortments of goodies.

Okay – so, one fateful evening, I am walking towards my classroom carrying two dozen Crispy Crème donuts – and surprise, surprise! So, this is the moment he has to see…. We exchanged a few pleasantries, such as “How are you?” (ie…You are an ass!) and “How is school?” (ie…Do you still have zero ambition?” While these pleasantries are going on, all I can think is, “WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE TWO DOZEN DONUTS IN MY HANDS RIGHT NOW?” AND “GREAT…NOW HE THINKS LOSING OUT ON HIM DROVE ME TO THE DONUTS!”

Mortifying. It was completely mortifying. It was one of those moments that you think about trying to fall asleep that night, and all you can do is shudder…and wish for death. You have to give yourself the talk about how this really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life, and thankfully it turned out to be true. Although, thinking about this right now, I still shudder just a little bit!

minivan mayhem

Due to an incident a few weeks back involving a parking lot and some ice, my little Sentra is in the body shop. My insurance company does provide a rental car, and I somehow got this sweet ride of a Mini Van. I have been driving this monster around all week, struggling to park and loving every minute of it for this simple and sad reason. It has a CD player and a TAPE DECK!

There were three tapes I remember from the 5th to 6th grade time range in my life that I just could not get enough of:

Tears for Fear (the Infamous tale of this tape still lives in Baldwin folklore, and would need its own entry!)
Culture Club
The Jets

Well, at this time, only the The Jets is available to me, I somehow uncovered it when I moved last June. I cannot even believe how strange it is that every single cheesy lyric has come right back to me. It is like no time has passed at all. Driving around in that Mini Van, singing my heart out to this tape just takes me right back to 6th grade. Like it was yesterday my parents took Teri and I to the State Fair to hear them play live, and I was bitter for a few hours because she caught one of their guitar picks and I didn’t! Those were simpler times and life was really, really good. Dark times were ahead, but I didn’t even know it at the time!

At any rate, my week of cruising around in a Soccer Moms dream is over, and the Van is going back tonight. I won’t miss parking it one bit, but I will miss the revisit to 6th grade!

get loud, be proud....have a mint!

Tonight the Jazz beat the Timberwolves while Matt and I beat the mint record. New record: 16!!

This is an obscene amount of mints. I know this, and have decided that the record will stand here, and the madness will stop.

We have been able to share the minty goodness around town. We gave out mints at a funeral, at church, and the latest batch will go along with someone's birthday present. So, it clearly has not been a waste.

christmas is officially over...

So, on Saturday, the 5th of January...that lovely furry creature I share my home with decided that it was too late in the year for me to still have my Christmas tree up, and did what he had been threatening to do all season. That's right. It started with him standing on his hind feet, and batting at an ornament....nothing I hadn't seen every day. Then, he made one quick leap up into the tree, and the next thing he knew he was crawling out from under it. After that, all ornaments were fair game, and easily accessible to his greedy and hurtful paws.

So...that is what it feels like!

Up until tonight, the Jazz have never lost a home game that I attended. I was on a really good streak, they had lost two games, but I had mysteriously not been there those nights.

Tonight that all ended. I finally got to feel what it felt like to walk away in shame...no mint, no promise of a free Big Mac. Nothing. Just Derek Fisher telling us to drive home safely on the jumbo tron. Which, by the way, I think happens every night, it is just that people are usually cheering enough that I haven't heard it.

At least it was the Mavericks that dealt the blow. I am actually a huge Nowitzki fan, and I am not ashamed to admit it! However, I was probably the only one that felt that way. That was one rabid, angry crowd. At the end, one guy, who felt he was a spokesman or the entire state of Utah, so eloquently summed up what the majority of the crowd was feeling by yelling, "Enjoy the gift Nowitzki....you piece of shit!"

Mint record still stands at 14.

Too cold for fitness?

Is "it is too cold outside" actually a good excuse for not going to the gym? I am currently in a good old fashioned internal debate about this, and I can't figure out if it is worthy or not.

Plans for tonight: Clean up, do some work from home, go to the gym, watch newest favorite trashy reality TV show, "Bad Girls Club", play some WOW and go to bed.

What has really happened: zero work, eating chocolates that work handed out, watching Comedy Central (oh, Stephen Colbert - you are KILLING me!!!) and of course, convincing myself that it is too DAMN COLD to leave for the gym.

I should be ashamed of myself.

Feliz Navi-paws

I haven't heard as much about the "War on Christmas" this year as I did last year, perhaps I am just not watching enough Fox News...at any rate if us crazy liberals were indeed waging a "War on Christmas", then I think that Vincent has been selected to lead the battle. The cat has done nothing but try to ruin Christmas in my apartment. No ornament is safe, no present is safe, and I have even caught him pulling lights off the tree. For someone who gets anxious at the site of a crumpled up post it note on the ground, his disregard for my Christmas decorations is more than I can take. I knew it was risky, but I thought that maybe I would think it was cute if he took ornaments off the tree and batted them around. It's not cute. It's not even a little funny. It may even make me more crazy than the thought of trying to find a parking space at a crowded mall.

Paulie, the Worthless Brother-in-Law

Okay - with the upcoming release of Rocky Balboa on next week, I decided I could not delay seeing Rocky V much longer. Saturday night, I gave it a whirl. I was expecting the very worst Rocky movie that you could imagine. Perhaps because my expectations were so very low it did not seem that bad at all. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the 5th installation was not only good, but better than the 3rd and the 4th by a long shot. It was still nowhere near the quality we say in the 1st, or came close to in the 2nd....but I really did enjoy it. There were no flashback scenes of Rocky and Apollo running on the beach and overall, it just didn't seem anywhere near as corney or as painful to watch. The loveable meathead that is Rocky was back to his sweet, naive self rather than just that moron that you can laugh at. How dare that worthless Tommy Gunn snub Rocky like he did, can you even believe it?! After all he did for him!! I am now fully excited for the new one to come out!

There are a few concerns I have about where this story line could have ended up since 5...

1. I had read there is no Adrian, so how can we watch a Rocky movie without someone yelling at him and telling him he can't suceed? How is that going to be any good?
2. Is it possible that a screenwriter could top the Mr. T antics we sat through in the 3rd. "My prediction...pain!" You don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
3. What on earth will Paulie be up to? Is it possible that he could ruin their lives any more than he already has? Maybe if Adrian is gone, he will be gone too? Also, do you think he has checked himself into AA yet?
4. Where is that singing group we saw in the first few movies, and then in 5 you could hear them but I don't think that we saw them. What happened to them?
5. Could any of the fighting be as exciting as a Knicks - Nuggets game?

How about those Jazz?

Okay, okay – I have been getting a fair amount of flack due to my lack of writing. I have no good excuse to offer. (Emphasis on good!) For those that know me well, you can probably identify a single source, but that is not really important right now.

At any rate, one of the exciting things going on in my life right now is that Matt and I got season tickets to the Jazz. We went in fully expecting them to not do well, so you can imagine our glee at how well they are doing! We have made a sport out of collecting free mints at the doors – current record is 12 – but we fully anticipate by the end of the season that 12 will look like kids stuff.

So, this leads me to my favorite jazz outing ever – and I cannot explain to you why it has left such a mark… Last year my brother and I attended the Bulls game and we were in the very top row. With 1.6 seconds left, Okur made a game winning 3 pointers, the bulls immediately took a time out and the crowd went nuts. I’ve seen a fair amount of frenzies in my day, but this one sticks out in particular. You would think the emotion would not be running so deep on the second to top row, but the guy in front of us displayed crazed sports fan like you could only expect to see court side. He turned around, and made the “give me a high five” gesture my brother, who very smartly ignored him. Then, I made the mistake of getting caught looking at the whole mess, so he turned to me. Against all better judgment, I let the moment also carry me away, and went right in for the high five. My brother then followed suit. After that, the crazed fan turned to the Bulls bench and gave them the throat slitting sign. Which by the way, I am sure was very devastating for them from the second to top row!

Seriously, I high fived a COMPLETE STRANGER! I don’t generally like giving anyone the high five, not one for physical contact – but a complete stranger?! What happened in my life to make such an exchange acceptable?!

This year, in addition to gather so many free mints that Mrs. Cavanuagh’s has to higher more employees, I should make it a goal to high five a stranger every game. It seemed to make that game stick out in my memory!

Video Games!

As a fan of the video games, I was really excited when I saw this article counting down the top 10 worst video games of all time. Then, I became very, very nervous that my precious “Tapper” would make the list – which would ultimately be a crime. Luckily, it did not make the list – because it is AWESOME! In case you are interested – see here.

Some shocking omits: (Games that are so bad – you can’t help but love them)

Moon Patrol (Atari) – This one may not be that bad, but I could NEVER get past the second board, and that still really bothers me.

Baggage Claim (Atari) – Anyone who has never played this little gem needs to get over to my house ASAP. This game is a crowd pleaser! You basically wait for the plane to land, and then run back and forth picking up luggage. If you don’t get the suit case before it hits the bottom of the screen it opens, exposing someone’s sock or underwear. It is for the immature at heart!

Hide and Seek (Atari) – I may very well be the only person (and Matt- because this baby is 2 Player!) that has actually sat down and played this game (in the year 2006) anywhere on the planet. You hide in a house with like, 2 rooms, while the 2^nd player covers their eyes and then goes and finds you. I laugh hard every time I play

Ghost and Goblins (Nintendo) – This game isn’t really bad at all….but I cannot for the life of me finish it, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

So, the games on the worst 10 list… I only have experience with one, Prince of Persia: Sands of Time. I wouldn’t say this game is unfortunate, but every time you die you have to put up with some creepy voice telling you, “Wait, that’s not how it really happened!”

I am dying to find a copy of “The Howard Dean for Iowa Game” How awesome does that sound?